A headline in The Observer of 30 August 2020 ran: 'Teachers' anger over No 10's last-minute guidelines on coping with local outbreaks'. Another said 'Troubled times see millions embrace stark beauty of Yorkshire farming idyll'. You can find similar examples in any of today's newspapers. These are not headlines – they're essays. Where are the brevity and wit of yesterday's headlines, such as 'FREDDY STARR ATE MY HAMSTER', or 'SWEDES 2 TURNIPS 1' (England's World Cup exit).
The first headline to make an impression on me (I was five) proclaimed 'HITLER DEAD'. This had brevity all right, plus a dramatic content that was hard to match.
Some of the least impressive headlines appear in local papers, because they lack the dramatic sweep of national and international news. My son Ben swears that a front-page headline in our local rag ran 'WOMAN TOLD TO TAKE HAT OFF IN PUB'. Better efforts have appeared elsewhere. I feel affection for 'PSYCHIC JOINS HUNT FOR MISSING PARROT' (an Islington paper), and for 'HUSBAND JAILED FOR SPROUT ASSAULT' (Blackpool).
I have two all-time favourites. Holidaying in Nepal during the 1980s we bought a copy of the only English-language paper available. Its one constant feature was a daily section describing the activities of King Birendra, the then ruler. Otherwise the paper's slim contents were culled from the rest of the world's press on an entirely haphazard basis. The headlines were equally unpredictable. A colleague who'd been based in Kathmandu for two years said his favourite during that time had been 'SQUEEZED SCROTUM PROVES FATAL'.
My other favourite comes surprisingly from The Guardian, which can be quite likeable when it parodies itself. The story in question concerned a Tibetan cave where dozens of sloths used to hang out and deposit large quantities of sloth dung. Improbably, the dung had qualities that were valuable in medical research, and the cave was intermittently raided for the stuff. Then, disaster!: the cave caught fire and flames began to consume everything in their path. The Guardian headline ran 'SLOTH DUNG IN DANGER'. But what happened to the sloths? An eminent colleague spent time imagining new items for a restaurant menu, like 'SLOTH TOASTED OVER ITS OWN DUNG'.
Sadly, many of the best headlines are not true. When Tony Livesey edited Sunday Sport in the 1990s one of his duties was inventing fake headlines. Amongst his better efforts were 'MYSTIC TOASTER PREDICTS FA CUP RESULTS', 'MAN FIGHTS SHARK WITH WIFE'S FALSE TEETH' and 'WOMAN WITH 4-INCH WAIST CAN'T EAT SPROUTS'. In January 2004 I noticed that the standard had been maintained with 'DOG EATS ONE-LEGGED PENSIONER'.
The first headline to make an impression on me (I was five) proclaimed 'HITLER DEAD'. This had brevity all right, plus a dramatic content that was hard to match.
Some of the least impressive headlines appear in local papers, because they lack the dramatic sweep of national and international news. My son Ben swears that a front-page headline in our local rag ran 'WOMAN TOLD TO TAKE HAT OFF IN PUB'. Better efforts have appeared elsewhere. I feel affection for 'PSYCHIC JOINS HUNT FOR MISSING PARROT' (an Islington paper), and for 'HUSBAND JAILED FOR SPROUT ASSAULT' (Blackpool).
I have two all-time favourites. Holidaying in Nepal during the 1980s we bought a copy of the only English-language paper available. Its one constant feature was a daily section describing the activities of King Birendra, the then ruler. Otherwise the paper's slim contents were culled from the rest of the world's press on an entirely haphazard basis. The headlines were equally unpredictable. A colleague who'd been based in Kathmandu for two years said his favourite during that time had been 'SQUEEZED SCROTUM PROVES FATAL'.
My other favourite comes surprisingly from The Guardian, which can be quite likeable when it parodies itself. The story in question concerned a Tibetan cave where dozens of sloths used to hang out and deposit large quantities of sloth dung. Improbably, the dung had qualities that were valuable in medical research, and the cave was intermittently raided for the stuff. Then, disaster!: the cave caught fire and flames began to consume everything in their path. The Guardian headline ran 'SLOTH DUNG IN DANGER'. But what happened to the sloths? An eminent colleague spent time imagining new items for a restaurant menu, like 'SLOTH TOASTED OVER ITS OWN DUNG'.
Sadly, many of the best headlines are not true. When Tony Livesey edited Sunday Sport in the 1990s one of his duties was inventing fake headlines. Amongst his better efforts were 'MYSTIC TOASTER PREDICTS FA CUP RESULTS', 'MAN FIGHTS SHARK WITH WIFE'S FALSE TEETH' and 'WOMAN WITH 4-INCH WAIST CAN'T EAT SPROUTS'. In January 2004 I noticed that the standard had been maintained with 'DOG EATS ONE-LEGGED PENSIONER'.